Apr 112013

Here’s a piece of new fiction I am playing with:
Business Lies
“I wanted to say ‘Fold it nice? Dude, if you weren’t standing right there I’d be peeing on the motherfucken blanket!” I must have gotten louder than I realized because someone at the next table burst out laughing.
“Sorry,” she waved her hand at me, still laughing, “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, that was just a really funny line to overhear.”
“To hear it out of context, it was hilarious,” the guy she was sitting with twisted around in his seat to look at me.
“The lesson is, don’t piss Allen off,” Gordon was shaking his head and laughing. Gordon knew the people at the next table better than I did. He knew everyone in the lunchroom better than me. “Especially if he has access to your personal affects.”
“I was just telling Gordon about my new position.” It hadn’t missed anybody’s attention that I was in a new department, but it didn’t seem like anybody had any idea how it all came about. Some people even assumed the change was my choice; they must not have considered the pay cut that came with the change.
“How are you liking it in the storeroom?” He turns his chair around, still eating his lunch.
“It’s pretty great, actually…for a kick in the balls.”
He raises his eyebrows and tilts his head at an inquisitive angle, chewing a bite of his sandwich.
“The switch to the storeroom wasn’t my choice.”
“Really? So how did that happen?”
I look at Gordon. I can’t read his face at all. I want to ask him, “should I tell the story again? Is there anyone in the lunchroom I shouldn’t say this around?” As Gordon just smiles at me expectantly I realize that there isn’t anyone I don’t want to hear this. I’m not going to bring it up and sound like a whiny bitch about it, but if you wanna know, hell yeah, I’ll tell you all about it.
“It went down like this,” I’m talking so that the whole lunchroom can hear me. “Curly calls me into Pam’s office. Moe is sitting behind Pam’s desk. First thing he tells me is that it won’t all be bad news, then he blames me for these two invoices that Curly double-processed. One of these invoices I was out of town when it was handled, but both of them were handled the same, by Curly. Before I can bring this to Moe’s attention , however, Moe tells me there is no use going into details because the official reason I’m being let go is that I am paid too much for my position. Moe says it happens sometimes when someone has been in the same position for a long time, getting raises every year.
“Like I said, though, it’s not all bad news,” Moe’s face is solemn and serious, so I don’t believe him. “ ‘The two of us,’ he motions at Curly, ‘And Larry all agreed that as reward for your ten years of loyalty –(I’m serious, these were his words “a reward”)- Terry can offer you a position in the storeroom…at a considerably lower wage of course.’ Moe has obviously forgotten that he has told me that offering a storeroom position (that mostly nobody ever takes) is how he makes sure no one can ever collect on unemployment.”
“That is seriously fucked up, but whose blanket were you going to pee on?” He’s finished his lunch and now he’s ready for a story.
“I’m getting there.”
To be continued next week.
Just show up to the page.

Mar 302013

I am currently working on a novel. I have hundreds of handwritten pages and manual typewriter written pages that I am making sense of, rewriting and rearranging details into a coherent storyline. Recent events in my life have made me want to return to my “Ambidextrous Productions” short stories. I also think of them as “Work In Sanity” short stories, and I have been recently inspired by witnessing some of the insanity that surfaces in the workplace. I am still working a job I don’t want to get fired from, but that boss that wasn’t too impressed with my writing process for the short stories (written and published completely on time and supplies taken from my telemarketing job nearly 15 years ago) is no longer my supervisor, and he is a drunk old bully, so I hope that he thinks that every time he doesn’t see me, every moment I am not in his sight, I am using ALL company resources to create fiction that mocks the absurdity of the corporate world. I’m not saying that I am doing that, I’m just saying I’d like that drunk old bully to think that.
He suffers from the same workplace insanity that the owner of the company does – people have been polite to them for so long, regardless of their behavior, that they begin to forget how to be polite themselves. For most of us, when we are assholes, people begin to treat us like assholes. But when people are nice to you because they want to keep their jobs, it doesn’t matter how much of an asshole you’re being, it is the rare employee who will risk losing his or her job to point out how inappropriate and rude his or her boss is being. I am reminded of a classic Sandy Erikson lyric “If you were walking around with snot on your face, wouldn’t you want someone to come and tell you about it?, so if you were being an asshole, wouldn’t you want somebody to come and kick the asshole out of you? y’know, I would.” I’m not going to kick the asshole out of these men, because, well, I don’t like them enough to do them the favor. Oh, and they would probably sue me, even though I would be doing them a favor. Of course they would sue me, money defines everything to them. I have been given health advice from this drunk old bully who has chronic kidney stones, weighs 30 lbs more than me, with a gut that displays his drinking problem. He brags about his former athletic prowess and claims to have “worked out every day for the last 20 years”, but I honestly don’t think he has EVER been in better shape than me, and even if he was, what makes him think he knows more than me about health? Oh, that’s right, he makes more money than I do, he is smarter than me in every way.
So welcome back to my blog. Prepare yourself for weekly updates about ridiculous things management does in front of their employees, because they somehow think employees are polite because they respect their managers. How could you respect someone who gives you a nickname like the Molester or Little Boy Blue? And it is kinda funny, cuz I think he is trying to be witty and make people like him, but he is really acting like a bully and alienating people. Funny, but sad. I would rather have my tiny paycheck (which just keeps getting tinier, but that’s another story) than live that kind of lonely disconnected life. Till next time, my only advice is…
Just show up to the page.